What is toxic stress?
Learn what to look for and when to seek help.
If your family has endured a serious adversity or is going through a particularly stressful time, toxic stress may be a concern. The effects can be lasting: toxic stress has the potential to impact a child’s learning, behaviour and health long after childhood. Dr. Lisa Damour — an expert adolescent psychologist, best-selling author, regular New York Times contributor and mother of two — explains what toxic stress is, how to spot the signs, ways you can help your child cope and how to seek support.
The topic of experiencing mental health challenges may be difficult for some readers. If you or a loved one is experiencing poor mental health, please seek support by accessing the following resources: United for Global Mental Health and Open Counseling Suicide Hotline Database. If your country does not have a national helpline please seek professional support from a trained carer, especially before making any decisions on treatment.
Jump to:
What is stress?
What is toxic stress?
What effects can toxic stress have on a child?
What are some signs of a child experiencing toxic stress?
What is the best way for an adult to provide support?
What to do if you are struggling
How to seek support
What is stress and our natural reaction to it?
Dr. Damour: We all come equipped with a stress response that helps us react to threats (this is known as our ‘fight or flight’ response). The natural stress response helps to keep us safe — but it shouldn't be activated all the time.
Most of us, in our day-to-day lives, are in a state of reasonable calm. But when faced with a threatening situation, we enter a state of biological and psychological alarm: Our heart races, breathing quickens, blood rushes to our extremities, we focus our attention on the perceived threat and we are oriented toward finding safety. These reactions are useful, protective and automatic. They serve to shield us from the impact of dangerous situations.
Once the threat has passed, we typically move from a state of alarm back to a state of calm. The length of time it takes us to return to feeling calm will depend on the quality of our support systems, whether we have experienced serious adversity before and other vulnerabilities such as disabilities or mental health concerns.
What is toxic stress?
Children can be exposed to danger or even intense stress without that stress becoming damaging or toxic, so long as a caring adult buffers the impact of the threatening or stressful event. For example, being in the presence of an adult who remains calm or receiving comfort once the stress has passed —perhaps with verbal reassurance and a warm embrace—can help return a child’s emotional reaction to a natural state of calm.
Toxic stress can occur when a child is in a chronically stressful situation that causes a prolonged stress response. For example, we see toxic stress in children who are in circumstances where they feel unsafe over a long period of time and do not have the buffering effect of being cared for by supportive adults.
Examples of when toxic stress can occur include when children experience chronic neglect, family violence, physical abuse, parental mental illness, sexual abuse and ongoing emotional abuse.
It is possible for children to be in ongoing, stressful situations and not experience toxic stress. Children can be shielded from toxic stress by the steady support of a loving adult who helps them to feel safe and who keeps them from becoming emotionally overwhelmed.
What effects can toxic stress have on a child?
Being on constant high alert can impact our brain and our body and can lead to lasting neurological and physical changes. Children who experience toxic stress may go on to have a very powerful stress response in reaction to even minor stressors, may have difficulty controlling their anger and anxiety, and may struggle to feel safe in their relationships with others. Toxic stress can also impact the functioning of the immune system and can lead to persistent inflammation in the body. Over time, toxic stress can contribute to heart disease and chronic high blood pressure.
What are some signs of a child experiencing toxic stress?
There can be outward signs, such as circumstances that would require a child to be on high alert all the time. Perhaps there's someone in the home who is frightening, or the child is being neglected or abused. These factors would cause a child to become constantly vigilant.
Younger children who are experiencing toxic stress may become withdrawn, have tantrums, complain of having headaches or stomach aches, have difficulty sleeping, or experience frequent nightmares. Older children and teenagers who have been exposed to toxic stress may become withdrawn or defiant, engage in risky behavior, be aggressive with others, or be harmful to themselves. In children of all ages, toxic stress can lead to constant anxiety and difficulty feeling calm or focused.
What is the best way for an adult to support a child going through toxic stress situations?
Adults are most helpful to highly stressed children when we try to feel with them, when we put ourselves in the child’s shoes and imagine what they are going through. Empathizing deeply with their experience often provides a strong instinctive sense of what needs to happen next, whether it's offering physical comfort, emotional comfort, or serving in some other soothing or protective role.
Of course, if it’s possible to remove the child from the situation causing toxic stress, that would be ideal. But when that is not an option, we should try to imagine the situation from the child’s perspective so that we can use the resources uniquely available to adults to minimize the impact of chronic stressors. Physical and emotional comfort from a loving adult can play a powerful role in reducing the impact of toxic stress.
If you as an adult are also struggling, what is the best way to make sure that you're taking care of yourself and taking care of your child?
It can be incredibly hard for an adult to shield a child from toxic stress when the adult feels overwhelmed too. One thing that can help is to put the situation into words by saying to oneself, “I am in a chronically stressful situation. My child is in this situation with me. There are things I can do to protect my child from the impact of what is happening.” Finding the language to describe a situation, even a very difficult one, can help to focus us on what we need to do and think about putting the child’s needs at the centre, even as we work to protect ourselves.
How can you go about seeking help from family, friends or support groups?
Anyone experiencing toxic stress should make the most of every available support. Do not feel ashamed about what you are going through. Everyone deserves to feel safe. Let people you trust know about what you – and your child – are experiencing so that you do not feel isolated. Accept help from others when they offer it. Remember, taking good care of yourself is one of the most important things you can do to take care of your child.
