Toxic Relationship Meaning: What Someone Means When They Say It
We all want healthy relationships. The type of relationships that bring out the best in you and leave you feeling safe, secure and loved. Where the time you spend together leaves you feeling uplifted and nourished.
If you no longer feel safe, they bring out the worst in you, you feel like you have to walk on eggshells or there is any kind of physical or verbal abuse. This is an unhealthy relationship.
Relationship toxicity can lead to a lack of trust, low self-esteem, conflict and insecurity. So how do you tell if a relationship is toxic?
Defining a Toxic Relationship
The word Toxic can be defined as something that is “poisonous”, “imbued with poison” or “very harmful or unpleasant in a pervasive or insidious way”.
A toxic relationship can be defined as any relationship that is harmful and leaves you feeling drained. Where a healthy relationship is based on trust, mutual support and a feeling of safety and security, toxic relationships leave you in a state of constant anxiety, they chip away at your self esteem, and they damage your relationship with yourself and others.
There are different types of toxic relationships. Intimate relationships or toxic marriages tend to be the toxic relationship we think of first. But you can encounter toxic people in any area of your life including work, family and friendships.
Depending on the type of toxic relationship you are in, the signs may differ slightly. If the toxic individual is a parent the toxic relationship may seem so familiar and normal that it is harder to recognize the signs of toxicity.
It is much harder to leave the relationship when it is a parent or other family member, especially for kids and teens. Not to mention the fact that negative words and actions from parents often stem from other issues such as addiction or mental illness.
Abusive Relationships
Abusive relationships are certainly toxic. Many toxic relationships involve abuse. Remember, just because someone doesn’t physically abuse you doesn’t mean they are not being abusive. Verbal and emotional abuse are just as damaging.
An abusive partner may use money as a means of control, isolate you from loved ones, or gaslight you to the point where you question your own sanity, all without raising a finger.
If you are in an abusive relationship, or any other damaging relationship, there is help available. Calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline can be a good place to start, as can talking to someone you trust.
Relationship Red Flags
Red flags are generally considered signs to stop. Relationship red flags can indicate toxic behaviors, or that the person isn’t capable of having a healthy relationship. Any relationship involving a toxic person is likely to exhibit a number of red flags
Some common relationship red flags include:
Controlling behaviors
Physical violence
Substance abuse
Anxiety and Depression
Toxic Communication
Resentment
Financial Control
Controlling Behaviors
Insisting on having everything their own way, constant blaming, checking up on you all the time and needing to be the centre of attention are all signs of controlling behavior. Controlling people may also want to dictate where you can go or who you can see, isolating you from other people in your life.
Physical Violence
Displays of physical violence should always be considered a red flag as it indicates that the person hasn’t learnt how to deal with uncomfortable emotions in a healthy and productive way.
Substance Abuse
Substance abuse or addiction of any kind can be a relationship red flag as again it indicates that a person struggles to cope with life and the issues it presents in a healthy way. Those who drink heavily or abuse substances can also be unpredictable and behave very differently when they are intoxicated.
Anxiety and Depression
If you notice a change in your own mental health when you are in a relationship this can also be a sign of toxicity. Sometimes toxic behaviors can go unnoticed but their impacts become obvious over time. If you find you are constantly anxious around someone or feel drained, this can indicate the relationship is toxic.
Toxic Communication
Examples of toxic communication include dismissal, sarcasm, degrading, put downs, jumping to conclusions, blaming and judgment. A lack of communication, such as giving someone the silent treatment, is also a form of toxic communication.
Resentment
Resentment arises when you feel as if someone has treated you unfairly. It can often happen in relationships when we don’t feel able to address issues as they arise. If you don’t feel safe to talk about things that have upset you this can cause resentment and be a sign of a toxic relationship.
Financial Control
Sharing finances is often part of an adult relationship. If you share finances you should spend time agreeing how money should be spent and each partner should respect those agreements.
If you don’t have access to finances in a relationship or feel unable to spend money without permission this could be a sign of financial abuse.
Other Signs of a Toxic Relationship
Other signs of a toxic relationship could include:
Lower self esteem
A lack of self love
Not having your needs met
Walking on eggshells
Changes in your relationships with others
Dishonesty
Constantly defending the other person
Healthy Relationship Traits That People May Think Are Toxic
On the flip side of the coin there are also a number of normal behaviors that can be viewed as toxic.
Walking Away From A Fight
Although in an ideal world we would always be able to talk out our issues and resolve conflict. The reality is that sometimes things become overwhelming at the moment. Walking away to stop yourself from saying something hurtful in the heat of the moment or just to give yourself a chance to calm down and think things through can actually be healthy.
So long as your partner is willing to talk about the issues at another time this behavior doesn’t need to be labeled as toxic.
They Don’t Always Have Your Back
Feeling supported and knowing that someone will always be on your side is a sign of a good relationship. However, we also need to recognize that we are individuals who will not always have the same opinions on every subject. As individuals, we should be responsible for our own words and actions.
Not being on your side in every argument shouldn’t be considered as toxic if generally, you support one another and are able to move forward in a healthy, loving way..
Brutal Honesty
Being honest to the point of hurting someone else's feelings might feel like a sign of a toxic relationship. But sharing your feelings, bad and good, is part of a healthy adult relationship. Being able to have uncomfortable but truthful conversations will deepen the intimacy in a relationship and bring you closer together.
Just be careful how you deliver your brutal honesty. Blaming, shaming and criticism are not required.
What to Do if Your Relationship Is Toxic
If you are in a toxic relationship you have two options. You can try to work together to fix the relationship or you can make the decision to leave.
Leaving a relationship is never easy. Working through the workbook “Grit & Grace: 7 Steps to Survive Heartbreak.” can help you reframe the heartbreak and move forward. Setting yourself up for healthier relationships in future.
